I used to have a visceral, full-body reaction to the word Joy: Disgust.
It’s hard for me to write this now. Joy has become such an important part of my life and work as an aspiring good ancestor. But for years, every time I would see the word Joy, or see people unapologetically in their joy, it would disgust me.
I would get angry. I would feel very strong emotions inside that made me feel like I had to get up and leave. I never expressed this disgust out loud - I knew how weird it was to feel this way about joy.
But inside me an outraged serpent would writhe and spit.
I hated joy. And I hated that I hated it.
I could never understand it back then. But I think I do now.
Earlier this year I found out that I am autistic and have ADHD (AuDHD). At first, this revelation was confusing.
How could I get to 39 years old and not know that I had a different neurotype?
How could I not know that I had these neurodevelopmental disorders and disabilities?
How could I not know that I saw the world differently than most people around me?
(actually, I did know this one :) I just didn’t realise how differently my brain was perceiving life).
If I was wearing a mask, wouldn’t I know?
But that’s the thing about masking who you really are your whole life. The mask becomes the face you show others so often, that eventually you start thinking it’s your real face too. And though there’s certainly been lots of times throughout my life where my mask has ‘slipped’ or I didn’t have the capacity to uphold it, I have always made myself put the mask back on as soon as I was able to.
These times were also known as “getting my shit back together”.
They usually happened after burnout, meltdowns, shutdowns, or other periods where I felt like I just couldn’t cope with life. When I “got my shit back together” all I was really doing was getting my neurotypical mask back on so that I could convince myself and others that I was ‘normal’.
But what happens when you decide to look at the mask, allow it to slip, and make no effort to put it back on - even if just to yourself? That’s the decision I made this year. And that’s eventually what led me to experiencing real, unabashed, neurodivergent joy. Without disgust :)…
In this week’s #LaylasLetter I wrote about my journey to healing my relationship joy through unmasking my neurodivergency.